Mexican Nuns Make Secret Medicine Using Endangered Salamanders That They Breed Themselves Because Of Course They Do

Nat Geo – Lake Pátzcuaro, the third largest lake in Mexico, lies a little more than 200 miles west of Mexico City. As an endorheic basin, the lake does not drain into the sea—and it’s the sole home for a rare, unique species of salamander.

Locally known as “achoques,” the Lake Pátzcuaro salamander (Ambystoma dumerilii) is an amphibian that lives its entire life in freshwater. With gills that flare out when submersed, the salamander looks similar to the axolotl, a relative. It’s critically endangered, with rough estimates saying there are fewer than 100 individuals left in the wild.

“This could be extinct in the next 20 or 30 years,” Omar Domínguez, a conservation biologist at Morelia’s Michoacán University, writes in an email.

But it seems the Lake Pátzcuaro salamander is getting some divine intervention. With Domínguez as breeding program coordinator, a convent, a zoo, and Michoacán University are teaming up in an international conservation effort to save the species. (Related: read about the hellbender, a giant U.S. salamander on the brink of extinction.)

I swear to Jesus I’m not making this up. I don’t do enough drugs to make up a story like this. I don’t think anyone does enough drugs to make up a story like this. Basically these nuns in Mexico live near this lake that’s been home to a special species of salamanders called the Lake Patzcuaro salamander, or “achoques” in Mexico for thousands of years. Apparently these incredibly rare salamanders also produce an ingredient to a secret, Jesus Christ-infused medicine that cures coughs and the flu and it’s something that’s been produced in that convent for hundreds of years. Sounds a little like witchcraft but we’ll let it slide.

Right now if you’re thinking these nuns are down in Mexico putting their brains and their magical virgin private parts together to run some weak, sloppy conservation operation, you best think again. Turns out a real biologist from England visited the convent and confirmed that their efforts to bring this species back to health are extremely sophisticated and in fact, working.

As a self professed mudblood, I can relate to both followers of Jesus Christ and my own personal lord and savior, Moses. I can sit here and say proudly I have helped install new windows to a local convent, and the nuns who called the massive property home were always delightfully pleasant. That being said, anytime I hear about a crossover event like Jesus worshipping elderly woman and endangered salamanders, my first thought is fabrication and/or propaganda for the sake of growing the ancient cult that is the Catholic church.

I’ve watched a few episodes of “The Young Pope” on HBO, so I feel pretty good about breaking this down. My understanding of how it all works is the pope is basically a king who has absolute power over everyone also devoted to Jesus. So anything he says goes, and he has to approve everything. With that in mind, the pope definitely knows about this salamander operation, and my only explanation for why it’s so important that he allows this Mexican convent to devote their time to breeding slimy lizards instead of reading the same book over and over and vaguely engaging in inappropriate relationships with children is because he too uses this secret medicine.

Stay woke on this one folks. Salamanders are cool even though they don’t turn into frogs, but if the Catholic church is really hiding a secret medicine composed of salamander slime and the rare, pure juices contained within the undercarriages of tens of thousands of nuns spread across the world, someone’s got some ‘splaining to do.